You've Got to Have the Right Parts, "Communication in Marriage". Part 6
By Norman & Ann Bales Of All About Families
Empathy
What is empathy? (Synonyms-compassion, fellow feeling)
Empathy is feeling what the other person feels or at least it's an
approximation of feeling what the other person feels. Esau called
it "temporary identification - a process that takes far longer to
describe than to occur. When you're watching American football
games on television this fall, take a good look at a field goal play
especially one that's extremely long when the game's on the line. After
the kick is over, viewers often see a replay of the coach's reaction. If
his player has been successful, the coach will break out in a grin. He
may throw his arms up in the air in joyous celebration. Let's say the
kick just hits the crossbar and bounces back. This time the camera
focuses on the anguish of the coach. He doesn't participate in either play,
but he feels the emotions of his players. That's empathy.
We practice empathy in dozens of ways. We all send out non-
verbal signals to indicate our feelings and the empathetic person
learns to read them - a blush, a frown, a tight lip, folded arms, even
tears. We respond to those cues even when we are unaware of what we are
responding to. Some people call this recognition intuition or gut-level
feelings and want to dismiss it as unreliable. Of course we can misread
those subtle forms of communication, but we are apt to lie more with our
lips than we do with our non-verbal signals.
It is this kind of empathy that enables a mother to understand her
child. Even the newborn infant communicates inner experiences
and feelings both vocally and through body language. If you don't
believe this just spend some time watching the different ways a
baby let's the parents know what they need. The mother can know
the difference between an "ache" cry, a "hungry" cry and a "mad"
cry. You probably won't be able to do that, but she is empathetic
toward her child. It is interesting to note that God uses this
illustration to describe his empathy toward us. In Isaiah 66:19 he
says, "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." As
the infant develops physically and emotionally, the empathy
becomes a two way street.
In marriage, partners learn to read each other's non-verbal signals
and respond to each other on the basis of those readings. Each
partner learns to feel with the other and arrive at an educated guess as
to what he or she is experiencing. Many husbands and wives can tell from
the sound of a footstep, the way the front door is closed, or how a coat
is hung up (or not hung up) what kind of day a spouse had.
We have been married almost 40 years. It would be difficult to say
when we first noticed we could pick up on one another's cues and
respond accordingly. One of us can start a sentence and the other
might finish it. We might even be thinking something and the other
one respond to what was being thought. It is spooky sometimes,
but neat. That is what is meant by empathy in the deepest sense.
What we've just talked about is really only the first step in using
empathy effectively. The second step is to use communication to
clarify what you are only guessing is the other partners feelings.
Many times trouble occurs as a result of the couple stopping at the
first stage and not moving on to the verbal communication stage.
You've got to check out those gut-level feelings.