Feelings
By Kate
What can we do with our feelings?
It really helps first of all to recognise that we have them, to accept them in ourselves. It's ok to have strong feelings, although some of them may be uncomfortable and we'd really rather they went away.
We can share our feelings with our partner, lovingly and responsibly. "Darling when you shout at the children, I feel angry and frustrated and sad," is a bit better than, "You're always shouting at the children. You make us all feel so angry." The first statement is certainly not going to be a comfortable one for them to hear, but the second one will have them straight on the defensive! You would also be putting your feelings on the children. In fact your anger may have come because you hate conflict or you are afraid the children will stop loving you. You may even feel concerned that you have failed to bring them up right. If you blame it all on your partner, you may be being less than honest.
When we share our feelings carefully, then our partner at least knows what is going on inside. They are not left guessing what the cold silence and grumpiness signifies.
When you share your positive feelings, you're helping them to know you better:
"I felt so excited when he offered me the job. It's just what I've wanted. I feel hopeful, as if the sun had just come out from behind a cloud."
"When Susie gave me a hug this morning, I felt so happy. It's made all the sleepless nights worrying about her worthwhile."