Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 25th June 2017, 10:18 AM   #1
Dibble
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 4
Dependancy

I recently went through, and am still going through a break up with a highly domestically abusive woman. Whilst I often despised her and her methods of bullying (endless sulking, freezing me out, sheer ignorance and bloody mindedness) I stayed because of my fear of rejection and also my dependency on her/others for my happiness in relationships with women.
I sought help and knowledge to try to understand why I behaved like this because it’s the complete opposite of how I am in my professional life (an oil business engineer).

Therapy showed me that it stemmed back to my parents. My Mother conceived to keep my Father from going away to sea in the merchant navy and so neither parents wanted me for the right reasons – my Mother to trap my Father, my Father out of a sense of duty – I was born in 1957.

They rowed almost constantly during my childhood and I was completely left out of the family, made worse when my Brother came along who clearly, and by their own admittance, was planned for. I was pushed further away.

My 1st girlfriend in last year of school I heaped all this need for ‘security’ onto, I didn’t realise it at the time and when we broke up (she dumped me) it screwed my life up. I met and married another, had a daughter, but that broke up after 14 yrs because of my career aspirations, them met the abusive woman, and stayed with her for 18 yrs until she drew a knife on me and was arrested by the police (and charged with assault with a knife) when I finally found the courage to leave her.

I just come out of a brief relationship that has lasted 8 months and the reason is this – I discovered that my problem is dependency. I depend on others to keep me safe, and this relates right back to my parents rejecting me when I was a kid.

Now – I’ve forgiven myself for putting up with all the abuse over the 18 yr horrid relationship and set myself free. I’m determined to be interdependant at worst, independent at best but never dependent again because it’s a horrible cycle of abuse, sadness and bullying just to remain in a relationship.

If I can offer any advice to anybody who can relate to this ‘story’ it’s to do some online study or seek therapy about the difference between the 3 – dependency / independency / & interdependency because believe me the difference between the 3 is huge and it will change your life. Many of us don’t realise how dependent we become and by doing so we give our identity, our true self away and if your unlucky enough to meet somebody with a character of needing people to be dependent upon them to function – well – your in very deep trouble which only becomes worse.

Being independent doesn’t mean being selfish, it simply means seeking balance and fairness and looking after yourself instead of depending on someone else to look after you. It’s a downward spiral of misery because you become somebody you really aren’t, and you end up losing your dignity, self respect and character. Then – you despise the person you depend on and it simply can’t work from there.

I’m not there 100% yet, small steps at the moment, but it feels good to be your own person again and not feel that you have to answer to anybody for fear of being hurt. Of course we all have a responsibility & a desire to happily give and take, but when take becomes the driving force and you giving becomes bigger all the time you’re in trouble.

I call it the dependency cycle. Strive to achieve a non dependency cycle because it works.

There’s a world of difference between being able to rely on somebody and being dependent on them. Reliability is a joy, dependence is a prison.

I hope this helps some of you who can identify with this.
Dibble is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Tags
None

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is Off
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 09:43 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer