The process of seeking help
By Davina James-Hanman
Woman names abuse as a problem
This is the very first stage in beginning to seek help. Getting to this point may happen very quickly, or it may take years. The frequency, severity and context of the violence are major factors in affecting how long it takes.
For example, if the abuser shoves her in the middle of an argument in January and does not physically attack her again until October when he prods her whilst emphasising a point in another argument, her perspective of events may not lead her to conclude that she is in a violent relationship. If, however, he punches and kicks her for no apparent reason or he makes demands which are patently unreasonable, the length of time it takes a woman to define her experience as abusive may be shortened.
It is worth noting that many abused women do not relate to terms such as ‘battered wife’ or even ‘domestic violence’; this is especially true when women do not fit common stereotypes of who experiences domestic violence (i.e. working class, uneducated, abused as a child, etc.)
It should also be remembered that many non-violent but controlling forms of behaviour can be classified as part of a ‘normal’ relationship rather than as abusive. For example, there remains a widespread acceptance within our society that women should take the major responsibility for childcare. The consequences of this are that many women with young children experience considerable amounts of social isolation - a feature common to abusive relationships. It is rare, however, for women (or indeed anyone) to define this as abusive; it may be viewed as unfair or unreasonable but to ‘name’ it as abusive would be considered by many as being ‘over the top’. The problem for many women then, is where do they draw the line? When does the social isolation become so acute that it is ‘reasonable’ to ‘name’ it as abusive? Although it is a generalisation, it is probably true to say that for many women, it is not until physical violence is used more than twice that they even begin to consider their relationship as being abusive.
Another common factor in delaying the time it takes to define the experience as abusive is the presence of external factors which act as a mechanism for ‘explaining away’ the abuse as a ‘bad patch’ that they will get through and the relationship will return to ‘normal’. This is particularly common because many abusive men are not violent right from the start of the relationship. Thus when violence begins, an external reason is often sought. For example, it is well established that the arrival of the first child is a common time for all relationships to become strained. If abusive behaviour begins at this point, the woman may define her experience as being attributable to the arrival of the child and the strain that this is putting on their relationship. Her belief then, may be that once the child starts nursery school, everything will return to ‘normal’.
Finally, it should be remembered that real life events are rarely simple and straightforward so conclusions which later seem obvious are not always so easy to see without the benefit of hindsight. For example, a couple have begun rowing over the fact that despite mounting debts, the woman has bought herself a new dress. She knows that he is worried about their financial situation and in the middle of this row, he hits her for the first time. Afterwards, he is very sorry, explains his feelings of panic at their rising debts and swears he will never hit her again. Without the benefit of hindsight, she trusts and believes in his apology and assurance that he will not hit her again, she has not yet reached the stage of making connections between separate incidents to see patterns of abusive behaviour and she feels, at least in part, responsible for the fact that the row began in the first place.