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   Home  > Articles

Help for Friends & Families of Gay People

By Lori Rentzel (edited)

Dealing with the Grief Process

Some (not all) experience the gayness of someone close as a devastating, traumatic experience. The reasons why it hits some individuals this way and not others are not clear-cut. The fact remains that for some, this is an experience that can leave as great (or even greater) an impact than if a close friend or relative has died. In fact, it is not uncommon for a person to go through the same grief process that occurs when someone dies; the sense of loss can be that great. This is actually what triggers the grief process; the realisation that something or someone of extremely great value has been irretrievably lost to you in some capacity, maybe forever.

To give you an overview of what is involved in working through these emotions, here is a brief look at each step in the grief process.

  1. Shock, Denial and Disbelief - When we desperately wish something were not true, we may subconsciously refuse to acknowledge it. A person may minimise someone's confession of homosexuality: "It's not such a big problem, it is bound to go away in time. Let's just forget about it and hope they never mention it again. It's probably just a stage.", or even, "They're not really a homosexual".
  2. Emotional Release - Once reality begins to hit, there may be many tears and overwhelming emotions. The best way of coping with this is to let yourself feel these things and express them, but try not to unleash them on the gay person. It would be better to tell the person what you are feeling than to shriek at them or tearfully accuse them.
  3. Depression and Isolation - These symptoms are pretty self-explanatory and are usually accompanied by self-pity over the loss, which leads to feeling cut off from others.
  4. Physical Symptoms of Distress - These can be most perplexing and highly varied, ranging from extreme headaches to chest pain, nausea, and difficulty in breathing. One woman complained that her "teeth itched", another walked around for a year feeling like she had swallowed a lead golf ball. You won't die though. You just feel like you will.
  5. Panic - When you can think of nothing else but the loss and can't concentrate, you are in the "panic" stage. A mother who found out her son was gay said she felt like she had the word "homosexual" going around in her head like a broken record.
  6. Sense of Guilt - Basically, this is where you review in your mind all your previous contacts with the person thinking, "Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail them?" This can be fruitless unless you ask, "What can I do now?"
  7. Anger and Resentment - "How dare they do this to me?" This question hits us after the initial sorrow wears off. Actually, it is a sign that we are healing. When a sick person is recovering from a prolonged illness, they begin complaining when they start feeling better. This means the road to recovery is under way. It can be a healthy sign, as long as we don't dwell on it and become bitter. Get it out and move on.
  8. Resist Returning to Normal - Here is where you realise that "life goes on and so must I". Still, there is a hesitancy to leave the problem behind and move on. Grief has been like a blanket, a form of security. It's not easy to abandon it.
  9. Hope Comes Through - One day you wake up feeling better. Usually, it is more like you notice that several days have gone by since you noticed the pain. Maybe you've been so busy with other things that you haven't had time to notice the loss. This is the key sign; your focus now turns outward instead of inward. The problem is there, but the personal hurt is gone.
  10. Struggle to Affirm Reality - Life is back to normal for the most part. From time to time, the memories or realisations will sweep over you. In the case of homosexuality, the person is probably still around and there may be occasional crises to deal with, but it's not the same. Everything has receded to a much more rational perspective. You have somehow (thank God!) got through this thing.

In his book Parents in Pain (IVP), John White writes about “knowing when to let go - the art of relinquishment”. Here are some helpful points he makes:-

  • To understand what relinquishment is, we must first understand what God is like and what is the essence of His relationship with us. As He is to us, so must we be (as far as possible) to those close to us.
  • Relinquishment does not mean that we abandon the person or neglect our responsibilities towards them.
  • It does mean forsaking the right to be proud. We can't demand that this person fulfil our dreams for them.
  • It does mean being willing to forego any repayment for what we have done for this person.
  • It does mean giving up our right to respectability. We can pray that gossip will pass us by, but we can't cling to our right to escape it.
  • Most important and most difficult of all, relinquishment means allowing our loved ones to face pain, tragedy and even death, and allowing them to accept the consequences of their own actions.

Be Prepared! God May Use You

The experiences you have been through will not be wasted. God places great value on endurance through suffering. In the Old Testament, Moses and Joseph were among those who experienced great suffering, and the Epistles of the New Testament leave little doubt about the hardship and pain endured by the apostle Paul. 1 Peter 1:6-7 describes the value of suffering: "In this, greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed."

No one is better equipped to minister in a given area than one who has "been there". If you remain open to God and are willing to be used, you will probably find many opportunities to "comfort with the same comfort you have received from God". In fact, the joy which comes from ministering to those in need can be the greatest tool God uses in bringing healing to your own life!

For further support in the UK contact True freedom Trust

Dealing with your own Reactions to Homosexuality


In this article
- Dealing with Homosexuality in a Close Friend or Relative
- Dealing with your own Reactions to Homosexuality
- Dealing with the Grief Process

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Reproduced with permission. from True freedom Trust (edited)


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