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   Home  > Articles

Supporting The Families Of Adults experiencing Gender Discomfort and Transsexualism

By Bernard Reed

How To Support Families

The support that best helps families includes:

  • Providing information on gender dysphoria and transsexualism
  • Promoting mutual insight, so that:
    • family members understand the trans person's reality
    • the trans person understands the family's bewilderment and sense of loss
  • Providing opportunities to share feelings with others in similar position
  • Encouraging realism and optimism

GIRES can provide a literature pack that deals with:

  • a full scientific explanation of gender dysphoria and transsexualism
  • the support groups that can help trans people and family members; these are voluntary organisations with relevant expertise; confidentiality is assured for those who contact them; GIRES can provide a list of these organisations, which gives information on the services they offer and how to contact them.

Families often seek guidance about the best way to respond. The advice that seems most valuable to them is:

  1. Don't ignore the problem and hope that it will go away.
  2. Welcome discussion with your family member whenever he or she wishes to talk about gender identity issues.
  3. Allow yourself to become convinced as rapidly as you can that you should and will unconditionally accept your loved one's decision about his or her gender identity and give them your support; do this in days, ideally, in weeks if possible, rather than months.
  4. It will then be best for you and for your loved one if you:
    a - respect the fundamental right of your family member to be true to him or herself.
    b - accept that living in accordance with the core gender identity is now absolutely essential for him or her.
    c - are realistic rather than pessimistic about the many problems that you both will have to face.
    d - take positive action so that you influence events rather than allow them to drive you.
    1. resist the notion that you are to blame or in any way responsible for your loved one's decision.
    2. share the news with at least one other person whom you can rely on to respect the need for confidentiality, until you and your family member are ready to share it more widely.
    3. contact a support group.
    4. if you still find the stress too much to handle, obtain professional help, perhaps via your GP
    5. provide a safe haven where your loved one will feel protected from an often hostile outside world.
    6. use the name and also the pronouns that your loved one prefers: "she", "he", "her", "him", "hers", "his"; both of you must expect that you will, initially, often get this wrong.
    7. offer advice tactfully, e.g. on clothes, make-up, etc.
    8. learn about gender identity development from literature, articles, books and, if you can, internet sites set up by reputable organisations
    9. learn the language used in your loved one's new world: e.g. "sex", "gender identity", "gender role", "male", "female", "masculine", "feminine", "gender dysphoria", "transsexualism", "transition", "trans man", "trans woman"
    10. appreciate that your loved one is having to explore a new world of trans people and those that serve their special needs.
    11. gradually inform others who need to know, especially family members.
    12. become confident and knowledgeable enough to challenge ignorance and intolerance in others.
    13. look for ways to help others in a similar position.

What will be unhelpful is to:
a - continue refusing to believe what your loved one is telling you.
b - try to make things like they previously were.
c - keep the news a complete secret from everyone.
d - become antagonistic towards the professionals who are trying to help your loved one.
e - allow yourself to believe that there is nothing positive you can do.
f - expect only bad consequences from your loved one's decision to have treatment for his or her gender dysphoria

Help for the Trans person's children

Major issues often arise concerning the children of a trans person. Parents may wish for help in informing their children about gender identity and transsexual issues. For this purpose, GIRES can provide explanations, set at two levels: one for pre-teens, the other for teenagers. These documents are also useful for schools that have to deal with such issues, because either pupils have trans parents or pupils are themselves gender dysphoric. In some cases, parents may separate, with one of them having custody of the children. The parent having custody may deny the other parent reasonable access to the children. In such a case, a court hearing may ensue. GIRES provides literature to help the trans parent in such circumstances.

Note that children themselves may experience uncertainty or confusion about their gender identities from as young as three of four years old. Helping them is not the subject of this paper which is intended to help the families of adults. Families seeking help with the gender identity development of their children should contact Mermaids which is support group for children and teenagers coping with gender identity issues and their families. This charity provides a telephone helpline (07020 935066), e-mail contact (mermaids@freeuk.com) and website (http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com).

Issues To Be Faced

Further Support


In this article
- Introduction
- Families' Need For Support
- Issues To Be Faced
- How To Support Families
- Further Support

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