When You Lose The One You Love

By David & Maureen Brown

The Stages of Grief

The different stages of grief are now fairly well recognised and include:

• Shock and disbelief
• Expressions of grief
• Depression and apathy
• Signs of recovery

Each stage will vary with each individual and you will not necessarily progress through each stage in a logical fashion, nor indeed through all of them. Your own personality and strength may help you to cope better with one stage than another. You may find yourself see-sawing through bouts of misery, anger and depression all in one day, possibly even at a time when you – or friends and relatives – hoped you were showing signs of recovery. That’s the sort of reversal that can happen when you are grieving.

Shock

Initial shock at the loss is often described as numbness, a sense of disbelief; sometimes the fact of death and the meaning of the loss may be denied by the bereaved. It’s a natural reaction, which cushions you against the loss and allows you to feel it more slowly. Don’t try to block your feelings as this can delay healing.

Expressions of Grief

Grief is not constant depression, but acute pangs of severe loss and pining which in time may come less often or only when they are jogged by a recollection – a photograph or waking up alone in a home which was once shared.

These periods of sudden, anxious yearning can make us restless and moody. They come because, without being fully aware of it, we are searching for the person we have lost. This phase can be distressing and bewildering for of course we cannot, in a physical sense, get back the person we love.

Another painful expression of grief is guilt. Many of us blame ourselves because, with hindsight, we wish that we had done things differently and now there’s no chance to put matters right, nor any opportunity of “being forgiven”. We may even feel that we could have prevented or postponed the death if we had acted differently. These feelings of guilt may have to be talked through many times before any peace of mind can be reached – this is part of the healing process.

Anger and aggression are also expressions of grief. Anger at what has happened and the injustice of the loss; anger at the lack of proper understanding in others; anger at those who allowed the loved one to die. The source of the anger is usually at death itself and our hopelessness in the face of it. The person who died may become a focus for this anger but, because it wouldn’t be seemly to rage against the dead, the hostility is shifted to others – family, friends and hospital staff, for instance. Anger shouldn’t be bottled up; if it is, it can gnaw away for years and rob you of peace of mind. Try to work through your feelings with someone you can confide in, preferably someone not emotionally involved in your own loss.

Remembering and reliving first the immediate past and then gradually more distance memories is part of the yearning period of grief. Remembering is painful because it can bring back many sad memories, perhaps reawakening the grief of former losses or periods of distress or unhappiness; but remembering is needed in healing, and can bring back happy memories too, which are greatly comforting. One effect of this is that your relationship with the person who has died begins to change. As you establish clear and satisfactory memories of the past you begin to realise fully that your loved one will not come back, but later you will begin to feel that he or she is, in a special way, part of your life again.

Depression and Apathy

The acute feelings of anxiety, guilt and anger will gradually give way to feelings of depression and apathy. This depression can be a reaction to too much emotion; it is a badly needed period of low emotion, a time when the spirit is at its lowest ebb and for some it spells hopeless despair, for others a joyless monotony. This is also a time when we probably begin to realise that we cannot now change things and bring back the person who has died.

At this point, people who have been bereaved often feel loss of identity and lack of self-confidence. A painful aspect of losing someone close is the way in which others regard us. Our social taboo of death means that it is often denied or ignored, and because people are embarrassed to talk about death they often shun the newly bereaved. That can be an additional hurt, but sharing this hurt with others who have also travelled along this difficult road can bring relief and can be seen as a real gift.

Signs of Recovery

In your own time you will come to accept that the loved one you mourn is dead. This is perhaps difficult to believe while you suffer the early stages of the agony and bitterness of grief.

Feelings of misery and pain will grow less acute as you accept that your situation has changed and you will take up your life again without your partner or loved one. Here again, the experience and support of others, including those who have suffered a similar loss, will help you to work your way through to recovery.

If the depression seems endless; if each day brings only sadness and there are no better times when the pain and darkness lifts, then do contact your doctor. Clinical depression is treatable and it would be a pity to suffer needlessly.