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   Home  > Articles

Choosing the Right One: 16 Questions to ask yourself before you marry

By David Sunshine

Other Points to Consider

Here are some other questions to ask yourself when deciding whether to marry someone:

Opinion of Others

Question #9: What do other people say about the person?

When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to be blinded by love and physical attraction and to overlook negative aspects of your partner’s personality that others can see readily. So if people don’t think highly of the person you’re dating, consider their opinions carefully.

On the other hand, if others think your mate is a great choice, don’t rely on that, either. Make sure you think so, too. Someone can be very appealing, yet still have a personality, temperament, or value system that conflicts with your own.

Background

Question #10: Do you come from similar social and ethnic back-grounds? If not, how do you think the difference will affect your relationship?

David was raised in a poor home and learned the value of saving money. Judy came from a wealthy family and had wasteful habits. She would buy expensive clothing and jewelry, throw out chipped appliances, and dine in fancy restaurants. Even though marrying Judy would allow David to live at a much higher standard, he knew he’d feel uncomfortable with her way of life, since he’d be disturbed by extravagant spending.

David raised the subject of money with Judy and was sur-prised to find that she was unable to relate to his con-cerns. David didn’t think he’d be able to change his values, and rightly felt that unless Judy could learn to see some merit in his point of view, they shouldn’t marry each other.

Parenting

Question #11: If you expect to be raising children together, can you visualize your partner as the father or mother of your children, someone who will teach them the right values to follow?

If not, ask yourself why. You may find that you have little respect for the person’s value system, in which case you shouldn’t be marrying each other.

Question #12: Will your partner be bringing children into the mar-riage? Do you get along with them? Will you be bringing children into the marriage? How well does your partner get along with them? If there are two sets of kids, how well do they get along with each other?

If your partner has children that are openly hostile toward you, think twice about whether you want to become their stepparent. When making this decision, consider how supportive you think your mate will be of you in ongoing conflicts with these young people.

On the other hand, if these kids are not belligerent toward you but just distant or unfriendly, don’t take it too badly. It’s perfectly normal for youngsters to behave this way because they see acceptance of a step-parent as disloyalty to their own parent. They may also have hopes that their parents will get back together, and they view your presence as an obstacle to that. Their negative feelings toward you will dissipate over time as you build a relationship with them, and as they get used to the idea that you’re married to their father or mother.

Also, bear in mind that blending two families together is not an easy task, and getting it to work well often requires professional family therapy. So if things get rough, don’t get discouraged — that’s perfectly normal. Instead, focus on whether you and your partner are able to solve whatever problems arise.

Superficial Factors

Question #13: Is your desire to marry your partner based on your partner’s beauty or wealth?

Physical attraction and economic security are important, but they don’t override practical or emotional considerations. After the wed-ding, you’ll have to live with that person every day, so make sure the two of you get along well and share the same basic values. That’s what’s really important.

Are You Escaping?

Question #14: Is your motivation to marry based on your desire to get out of a difficult situation or fix some kind of problem — for example, to avoid the embarrassment of being single, to move away from your parents, or to overcome the pain of a divorce?

If so, be careful. The decision to marry should be based on the desire to share your life with someone you love, not on the need to escape a bad situation.

Your Objectivity

Question #15: Are you able to clearly evaluate whether your partner is suitable for you, or is your mind in a fog because you’re in “love mode”?

Many people fall in love very quickly and, once they’re in love, are unable to notice indications that their mates aren’t suitable for them. As author Sarah Bird puts it, “Love makes intellectual pretzels of us all.” We have difficulty viewing our partners objectively when we’re in love.

So see if you can identify at least one of your partner’s faults. Your being able to do so will show that you’re at least somewhat grounded in reality.

Reacting to the Past

Question #16: Is your choice of your current partner based on a negative experience you’ve had with your previous one?

Some people fall into this trap. If their former mates were alcoholics, they make sure their new ones don’t drink at all. If their previous spouses couldn’t hold a steady job, they make sure their new partners have an impeccable employment history. On its own merits, such reactions are not a bad thing. There’s nothing wrong with look-ing for qualities a previous relationship lacked. The problem starts when people put too much emphasis on redressing a past mistake, as the following story illustrates.

Jim was a bore, and Barbara couldn’t stand his dull personality. Throughout their marriage, she berated herself for not noticing this aspect of Jim during their courtship. After their divorce, Barbara wanted to find someone a lot more interesting to be with.Soon she met Larry, a fun-loving, high-spirited kind of guy. Barbara was thrilled with him, and when he proposed, she immediately said yes. Unfortunately, she was so pleased with Larry’s exuberant personality that she didn’t notice his alcohol addiction until after their marriage. Barbara soon discovered that being married to an alcoholic was even more painful than being married to a bore like Jim, who at least had a stable personality.

If you’ve had a bad experience in a previous relationship, be sure to take a good look at your new, potential spouse. Don’t focus solely on avoiding the traits that bothered you in the past.

Have You Discussed What’s Important?


In this article
- Introduction
- Analyze Your Relationship
- Have You Discussed What’s Important?
- Other Points to Consider

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